There was a time when I would wake up EVERY morning and feel, nothing. My life was just a never ending blur of nothingness. My head never felt clear. It was heavy and foggy and I felt empty. I still fight daily to not feel like that and on those good days I literally feel high. It makes me so happy and I get a pang of jealousy. Is this the feeling every normal person gets? This is what its like to really, truly feel alive? And then I think of all the people that take for granted that they get to wake up and feel that way. When I get days like that my heart soars. I smile all day, I enjoy every little, insignificant to some, things. The flowers, the sky, my kids laughing, the food I eat, Everything! Those days are rare for me so I grab onto them with both hands and pray for another one soon.
When 2019 rang in, I swore to myself that I would make this year as best I could. I wanted to work hard at achieving goals in my life. I wanted to take better care of myself physically, and mentally. I wanted to take better care of my Hair, my body, my skin and I even went to a skincare class in Sephora which I have posted about already in my skincare routine post. I have been sticking to it and have noticed changes and it makes me happy to build a routine which is so important to my mental health. Developing a structure and routine that suits you and helps you to keep busy.
My weight has been a pressing issue for me for years also. I have two kids, one is almost 7 and the other is almost 1. Most of my weight gain is from my first born that i never lost and its quite simply because I am lazy and have yet to get off my fat arse and move. What I know is that deep down I know I need to do that if I want to see results. I started the Keto diet last year and had great success with it until I bombed when family visited from Ireland and gained back all I had lost and am starting all over again. My issue is my motivation sucks and thats part of my mental health issues too. I have lost count of the nights I get myself so pumped up for the following morning and how I will be going for a walk and do some workouts at home. And every morning I find an excuse and don’t do it. A killer for people with depression is staying in and doing, well, nothing. The hardest part about that, is thats what depression does. It makes you stay inside, making excuses and not want to do anything. You have to really push yourself to get out and once you develop that routine consistently it becomes the new norm. I am still trying to break this cycle but I am not giving up on it. I got there before and loved it and I have full faith that once I do get out and get moving that I will get into shape and this will again contribute to a better mental place for me.
At the beginning of the year I found a show called Tidying up with Marie Kondo on netflix. I am sure anyone who reads this will know all about it because it took hold of so many people. It is all about decluttering your surroundings and sparking joy in your life through cleaning and by god is it true. I find myself cleaning more and eliminating the clutter. I find a purpose in my day and a great sense of achievement within myself for a job well done and even my husband will commend me on my hard work which is a nice boost. If I am unable to force myself out the door then I found something productive to do whilst inside. It started with just getting rid of some clothes that I had held onto for years and then learning how to fold them in a pretty way that is organised and efficient. now every time I open the clothes drawers i feel a little zing of happiness. Its tidy. Its neat. Its what i want my life to be. Neat and organized. Relaxed. I still have so much of the house to do but I have found joy in something that I never thought I would.
The other day I organized our hotpress (linen Closet) and my husband said to me, “wow, for someone who hated cleaning, you are becoming a clean freak” and It made me laugh and feel happy. What I was doing was being noticed and appreciated. I cannot wait until i have all the rooms organised and how I want them to be. To you, maybe it sounds nuts. Like why is this chick making a big deal about being happy for cleaning? Well, let me refer back to my opening paragraph. “There was a time when I would wake up EVERY morning and feel, nothing. My life was just a never ending blur of nothingness” That right there, is why. Once I found something that gave me that spark of joy, that little bit of happiness I fell in Love. I chase that feeling so that I feel some worth within myself. I don’t wake up feeling nothing. I wake up ready to start my day. Along with Tidying and organizing came a different type of cleaning. I needed house hold products and so I discovered Grove Collaborative through my friend Kendra. Their products are so amazing and good for you your family and you home. The company is environmentally friendly, using recycled materials for packaging and the products themselves are non toxic safe for you and your family and they smell great too. I got so much stuff from them and am about to order some more things since I have the VIP membership.
When you sign up and make your first purchase you get some freebies which are awesome by the way. I love the daily shower spray, i sprayed it on my glass shower door which was destroyed from water and soap marks and its like a brand new shower door now. I lost count of the times i went in and scrubbed that thing with shower cleaners and windex to try get it clean but had given up because it never did the job and would leave my bathroom stinking with chemicals that were not safe to breath in at all. The Mrs Myers products are amazing too and don’t get me started on their laundry detergent! If you want to check them out here is a link you can follow to get your 5 free products with your first purchase.
https://www.grove.co/referrer/43159987/
If you are suffering from depression I really hope you find the strength to push through. Just know that you are worth more. You deserve to feel happy and one day you will. Start small, maybe watch Tidying Up on Netflix like I did and find something to spark that little bit of joy in you. Maybe that little spark will light a huge flame that leads you to bigger things. They might be small to some people but big to you, like getting out and actually enjoying being out. No longer having to wear the fake smile mask. And if your living with someone with depression and you notice these small changes how about you take notice and compliment that person. You might not understand it but small little things to you are HUGE steps to someone suffering. When you have depression that boost can be enormous and really help push and further their recovery. So dont be an Ass, show some love and support.
By the end of this month, I want my house to be fully finished with my decluttering and tidying. I want to be out and Walking/exercising regularly and enjoying it. Those are my goals for February. Hopefully the next time I write it will include those things added into my writing. As for today, I am going to spend time with my family. Im going to say now that I want to go for a walk and hope I do it and try get some minimum house work done for today and plan my week ahead.
Happy Sunday all. K. x
The Duffy’s diary 