Finding Me Again.

I find myself always coming back to writing. if it’s not on this, its in a diary somewhere. I think for someone with depression/anxiety writing is a very good outlet to vent when you feel that you have nobody to talk to. True, nobody responds and gives you the support that you might need but when you have so many thoughts inside that need to get out sometimes writing can be that place for you. For me anyway I like to buy a super fancy diary, i love hard cover ones that look like a book, you know the ones I mean? And just so you know sometimes in the beginning its hard, you start to write the usual, woke up brought kids to school had coffee etc but then you just let go. You need to let go. i used to have a hard time because i would be afraid of the judgement. i would be always thinking what if some one read this. my most purest, real raw thoughts and feelings. what if it made them angry, sad, judge me, think I’m crazy even? but you just can’t. you need that space, you need that place to just say what you need to say. some times when i start writing i think i don’t have that much to say and then it just keeps going, it builds and builds all my pent-up emotions and feelings and it just begins to erupt like a massive volcano spewing my every thought, feeling and word in my head onto the paper until I’m empty. and that’s why it’s a helpful healer. sure it would be nice to meet someone for a coffee and talk about those things, but i don’t have the mindset to throw my guts on a table for someone face to face. i like to either write some things that are personal in my private journal and then some things that are still raw and honest i share on my blog here that i want people to maybe relate to.

I’m on a path right now of finding who I am. 30 years old and I still don’t know who i am. most people kind of have their ducks in row around now. don’t get me wrong i always wanted a family and to be a mammy and a wife and i have that. so yes, i am mammy. and i am wife. but who is Karina?? am i still the person i was when i was 16? 18? 21? i don’t even know. i find myself stealing myself now and then for glimpses into my younger years. i know i used to be fun, and silly. a bit weird and awkward. outgoing, wild and free. my dad used to tell me i always stood out from the crowd. that there was something about me that was special. i know parents have to say things like that to their kids but did i? what made me different? right now i can tell you i am none of the above things that i used to be. i am neither fun , nor silly, in fact I’m the most boring person ever. i find myself coming to be quite bland. i have lost my whole just act like an idiot because why not attitude. I’m not sure if this is from age or whether i surpassed it myself but i find myself wishing that inner fun self would come back again. that spark of me. I’m still very much awkward and odd which i do appreciate because one of my fave pieces of advice for people is always to be weird if you are, it makes you different and unique. I’m rarely outgoing, the wild has turned into mild and the only freedom i get now is choosing whats for the dinner today.

its easy as a mother and wife to lose yourself. but i think it takes a lot to stop and recognize it and try change it. i know my kids will be grown in no time at all and i will be able to do all these things some day but by then i will be old. i want to be me and find myself. find and realize my goals and achieve them whilst enjoying my kids and making sure they stay wild and free and help them know who they are and never let them forget it. 2018 has been one amazing year. there has been great times and hard times but as the end of the year is closing in it is giving me a positive outlook and time to make sure that 2019 will be even more amazing. i want to set goals and start hitting them all through the year. my husband is starting his own company in the new year and has asked me to help him out with answering phones doing emails etc the office running basically.

i of course do not mind as it’s an exciting time for him but you know what i have my own goals and ambitions that i am going to be working on in the background too. i am swearing to myself that i am going to bust ass next year. i want my family to be proud of me and the end of next year i am going to be on top of my life, my mental health and find who i am. nothing is stopping you doing the same either. having a family doesn’t stop you, it may slow your role for a bit but you just got to put it in the backpack, and carry it along with you, you will get there when you get there and the you get to the top you will feel like you conquered the world (with your family along with you).

we got this!!!! K.